


Wondering

by NeonDomino



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Accidental Drug Use, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dream Sex, F/M, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Or... Remus thinks it's dream sex, Remus Lupin Loves Sirius Black, Remus Lupin is a Little Shit, Remus Lupin is bad at flirting, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Loves Remus Lupin, Sirius Black is a Little Shit, Sirius loves it, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:54:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25281190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonDomino/pseuds/NeonDomino
Summary: Sirius Black was used to everyone falling at his feet with just a wink and a grin. But it appears that Remus is quite oblivious to his attempts. Even with the help of Lily, Sirius is at a loss what to do, what happens when Remus screws up. Will Sirius be able to forgive him?
Relationships: James/Lily, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 41
Kudos: 116





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2014.  
> Some chapters are quite short which baffles 2020 me, as I don't write chapters anywhere near this short anymore. I think they get longer though.

* * *

"Okay, are you sure about this, Red?" Sirius asked nervously. "I want this to work."

Lily nodded. "I saw it in a movie, or a television show. It's quite a popular trope," She told him. "When it _'breaks down'_ at the top, the fireworks will have started. Just comment on how romantic it is, throw your arm over his shoulders, and just go from there. A romantic ferris wheel ride with fireworks, you can't go wrong."

Sirius nodded. "Okay, I'm ready. I can do this," he said, repeating it a few times. He went silent as he spotted James and Remus approaching.

"Just remember. I do this, you get me the cloak for one night," Lily whispered, and Sirius nodded.

"Fine, deal. You get me Remus, I get you the cloak, no James involved. I just don't get why you don't just ask him, I'm sure it would have been a lot easier?" he replied, his voice low.

"I like to avoid contact with Potter whenever possible," Lily insisted. "Good luck."

* * *

"Sorry everyone, the Ferris Wheel seems to have gotten stuck. If you can just hold on, we'll have you all back down shortly," came the announcement.

Sirius watched the fireworks go off in the distance. This was it, this was his chance to cuddle Remus and maybe admit his feelings, or at least get a kiss. The start of a beautiful and amazing relationship of course.

"So... we're stuck, it seems," he said, trying not to sound overly pleased. Best not seem too eager after all, it might put Remus off. Lily had timed it all perfectly.

"It seems so," Remus replied from next to him.

Sirius threw his arm over Remus' shoulder and grinned at him.

"At least we can watch the fireworks together. It's a shame I didn't bring any popcorn, I could really do with some right now." He sighed, looking down at the popcorn stall, trying to work out if he could accio some without being noticed.

Remus spotted his disappointed look.

"Oh, well lets go get some then," Remus said, and before Sirius could utter another word, Remus pulled his wand out discreetly and muttered a spell, making the Ferris Wheel turn, until they were at the bottom.

Remus dragged Sirius over to the popcorn stand, whilst Sirius cursed himself inside his head.

Remus on the other hand, was pleased with himself. He got them off the Ferris Wheel, and got his friend the popcorn he really wanted. Anything to make the secret love of his life happy.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

"You, Black, are an idiot."

"Well, I just wanted popcorn, I didn't know he was going to fix the wheel," Sirius complained.

Lily closed her eyes in thought for a moment. "Okay, what else can you try," she mumbled to herself.

It took her a couple of minutes of thinking before she brought her gaze back to his.

"Are you sure you want these ideas, and you just don't want to sit him down and tell him that you fancy him?" she asked. "Wouldn't that be better? Just a heartfelt confession?"

"Remus deserves better than that," Sirius insisted. "Like on the telly."

Lily sighed. "Fine, okay... well a lot of the time, a couple would bond over cooking together, you know, they'd smear ingredients over each others faces, flour, cake mix, that sort of thing. Then they have a cute moment, brushing it away, which means you'll get to stroke Remus' face, and get really close, and it's the perfect opportunity. Flour is usually the best for this."

"Better work this time," Sirius muttered.

"Well, you were the one who told Remus that you really wanted some popcorn," Lily shot back. "If you don't get the chance, when whatever you've made is ready, joke around and try feed it to him, see where that leads."

Sirius nodded. "Okay, I'll try it," he said.

* * *

"Are you sure Mrs Potter won't mind?" Remus asked.

"Of course not," Sirius said, pulling everything he needed out of the cupboard. He had the recipe for brownies from the internet.

It was a _special_ mix, and he felt that this moment deserved something special.

They started making them, and Sirius found that it wasn't that much different then potions. Everything had a certain amount, a certain time to add it, in fact it just seemed like potions, without the risk of something exploding.

He found himself doing most of the work, as Remus sat at the table, stealing some of the chocolate he had bought. Chocolate put Remus in a good mood, so he allowed it. Plus, Remus wasn't all that talented at cooking. But they were having fun together and Sirius was sure that it'd lead to a moment between them.

"Alright, they'll be ready in a bit," he announced.

He looked around at the messy bowls and spoons all over the place, as Remus stood up and came over to help clear up. He discreetly stuck his hand in a large dollop of chocolate mixture that had dripped onto the counter, and grabbed as much as he could.

As Remus got closer, his hand shot out, and he smeared the chocolate over Remus' face. He pulled his hand back and Remus grabbed it, pulling him close.

"You're going to pay for that," Remus growled, with a smirk, and Sirius felt excited. Here it was, the moment that Lily had mentioned.

"Am I?" He replied, huskily, raising an eyebrow.

Remus' amber eyes sparkled, seconds before Sirius felt something hit him square in the forehead, and something cold and disgusting ran down his face.

"Fuck, what did you do?" Sirius asked, picking bits of eggshell off his forehead, where Remus had crushed the egg he had hidden in his hand when he saw Sirius scoop up the mixture.

He ignored the werewolf's laughter, as he went to the sink to rinse the egg off. He grudgingly allowed Remus to pick the bits of eggshell out of his hair, before going to the shower to wash it. A cleaning charm wouldn't be enough for his hair. It would take ages to clean. How could Remus betray him this way?

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The A/N note from 2014:   
> I think this is the most random chapter of everything I have ever written in my life.  
> I honestly don't know if anyone apart from me would find this entertaining.  
> I hope you like it still. I'm sure you can guess what happened.
> 
> Also having read this back, 6 years later I feel like I should point out that I've never taken drugs.

* * *

Moony, look it's a Hedgehog, isn't it beautiful," Sirius declared, gently reaching for something on the ground.

Remus stared at him for a moment. "Wait, what?"

"It's beautiful," Sirius whispered, staring at the pine cone cupped in his hands.

"Sirius, that's not a Hedgehog."

"It's just sleeping," Sirius decided, petting the pine cone.

Remus stared at Sirius, he must be delusional, Remus decided.

Suddenly Sirius jumped up.

"Quick, Remus, we have to go to the shop. Where do we keep the Muggle money?"

"We could just floo to Hogsmeade. What do you need?"

"I need food, chocolate. Lots of chocolate," Sirius decided.

"You think that half a tray of brownies would have been enough chocolate," Remus said.

"Yet you didn't have any," pouted Sirius.

"They smelt... off. There was something that my wolf didn't like about them," Remus informed him.

"Lets floo," Sirius shouted, jumping up and throwing his arm out in a superhero pose, the pine cone flying from his hand.

"I killed Henry," Sirius sobbed, rushing over to the pine cone, and a confused Remus followed him.

After a moment, he carefully took the pine cone. Deciding to play along, Remus found himself announcing that the pine cone... 'Henry', he corrected himself, was sleeping, and Sirius smiled again.

* * *

"I'm a star," Sirius announced.

"You are," Remus agreed.

"And you are Moony, which is the moon," Sirius declared, and Remus nodded again.

"Should we go up there, Astraeus won't be pleased with us, but if we ride a broom -"

"Astraeus?"

"He's our God, he controls us."

Remus pointed his wand at Sirius. " _Finite Incantatem_ ," he said, but nothing happened. It wasn't a spell that was causing this odd behaviour.

"Of course, Padfoot. Let me get you some water, you must be dehydrated," Remus offered, leaving Sirius in the garden.

* * *

"Sirius, why aren't you talking to me?" Remus asked.

Sirius blinked a few times. "I'm not supposed to," he whispered.

Remus was starting to lose patience with the game. "Why not," he sighed.

"Because," Sirius said, sitting very still, with his knees against his chest. "They've accepted me as one of their own. I'm a garden gnome, do you not see my red hat?"

Remus couldn't see a red hat. He could see an insane teenager, who had taken a seat by the pond, among the muggle garden gnomes that Dorea had found adorable.

If it had been anyone else, Remus would have probably just left them outside. It was love that was making him stay... even if Sirius was revealing that he had the Black family insanity.

The things he does for love.

"What about... if I accept you as one of my own?" Remus asked.

"I accept," Sirius declared, letting his legs drop. "Fuck, it's starting already," he declared rolling onto his side. "I'm changing. I don't want this anymore. I should have listened to the potato."

"What's starting?"

"My transformation. You're the moon, and you're making it happen."

Remus thought he was joking at first, but on closer inspection, Sirius' eyes were screwed shut, and he was shaking.

"I'm going to get Mrs Potter," he said, running into the house.

* * *

"Shhh, dear. Now whats happening?"

"Moony is making me change."

"Change into what?"

"A wolf, it hurts, don't you see I have a tail," he sobbed.

Dorea leaned in and sniffed his mouth, she pulled back and let out a sigh.

"Darling, Moony's stopped making you change. He's a half moon now," Dorea whispered, and Sirius stopped shaking, and sat up.

"Wow, Remus, I never realised what you go through every month," he said, his voice laced with exhaustion. "Is it your turn to heal me?"

"He already did," Dorea lied. "Now, you're going to tell me what you done today," she asked.

"I ate lots of chocolate," he told her.

"Good, now before that?"

"I played with Henry, but Moony said she was kidnapped," he let out a whimper, and Dorea looked at a baffled Remus.

"He wouldn't let me go ," Sirius continued.

"Go where?"

"Home to the sky. Astraeus will miss us," Sirius declared jumping up.

"Sirius, Astraeus has given you both permission to be down here," she informed him, and he stopped walking towards the broom shed.

"Who exactly is Astraeus?" Remus asked.

"The God of stars and planets," Dorea explained. "Now Remus, dear, I won't be angry, but you need to tell me where you got it, and if there is any left."

"Got what?"

"What Sirius took," she replied, scanning his face. "You don't have any idea what he took, do you?"

Remus shook his head.

"This all started after we cooked those brownies, though," he added, helpfully.

Dorea put her head in her hands.

"Sirius, lets go look for Henry in the kitchen," Dorea suggested, and he skipped into the kitchen, and started to search under the table.

"What is Henry?" Dorea asked, out of curiosity.

"A pine-cone that is apparently a hedgehog," Remus replied.

Dorea picked up the recipe that Sirius had worked from.

"He said he was making special brownies," Remus informed her.

"Oh they were _special_ alright, and you ate the whole tray?"

"No, I didn't have any, they didn't smell right. Sirius ate half the tray himself, the rest were on the side."

Dorea shook her head slowly for a moment, as she looked at the empty tray.

"James, Charlus, can you come here for a moment, please."

"You're in trouble," came Charlus' unusually sing-song sounding tones.

"No, she called you too, you're in trouble," James giggled.

"No, I'm an adult, I can't be in trouble," Charlus said, joining in the giggling.

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

"Remus?" came a weak voice.

"Sirius?" Remus said, from his side of the room.

"My head feels weird."

"That doesn't surprise me."

"I'm going to die, aren't I?"

"No, you're not."

"I can't die here alone, can I lay with you?" Came the needy voice.

"Of course, Padfoot. Now, can you tell me where you got weed from, and how often you use it?" Remus asked, softly.

"Weed?"

"The weed you put in the brownies," Remus said, shifting aside, as Sirius stumbled over, and fell onto the bed, landing clumsily on Remus' legs, before righting himself.

"Oh, that was hard to get. I asked in the shops, but they looked at me funny. I assume it was an illegal ingredient, so I travelled around, trying to find the Muggles version of Knockturn Alley, and ended up in Camden, they seemed to know what I was talking about, and I asked a guy, and he introduced me to his friend, and they showed me these little bags for ten pound each, and I bought three to be on the safe side."

"Why did you put it in the brownies?"

"Because the recipe said to," Sirius replied, confused. "I typed in recipe for Special Brownies, and printed it out all by myself. I know I done the internet right, just like you showed me!" He smiled at Remus, and patted Remus' face. "I went shopping by myself, just so I could make you brownies. I wanted them to be special." He started running his hands over Remus' chest.

"Did you know that brownies aren't usually made with Muggle drugs?" Remus asked, pretending that Sirius wasn't stroking his chest. He wondered what it would feel like if Sirius' hands drifted lower. He shook that train of thought away quickly. Even if Sirius was high enough to attempt it, he wouldn't take advantage of his high friend, if Sirius would ever take an interest in him, he'd want Sirius to know exactly what he was doing, and be of sound mind.

"Oh, right. I don't feel good at all."

"It's fine, just go to sleep Padfoot. Why did you want the brownies to be special?"

"Because you're special so I wanted them to be special enough for you, but you didn't want any. Maybe they weren't special enough," Sirius mumbled, his eyes drooping.

"Or maybe they were just too special," Remus corrected, remembering how odd they smelt. "You shouldn't go and buy anything you don't know in the muggle world without asking someone in the future."

"Seriously, Remus, I think I'm going to die here tonight, and you're making cruel and hurtful accusations about something or other?"

"You're not going to die."

"Did you know in muggle stories, when they are going to die, they are revived with a kiss?"

"Yes, I'm aware of that, Sirius."

"Don't forget... you know, in case I'm about to die. Just use your judgement, if you're not sure, you can kiss me just to be on the safe side."

"You do know they are _just_ stories?"

"Yes, but muggles have lots of stories about magic, doesn't mean it doesn't exist, right? There might be some truth based on the stories. You don't want to risk me dying, do you?"

Remus tried to make sense of Sirius' words. Was he still high, and talking nonsense, or was that an actual offer for Remus to kiss him. After a moment, he decided that he must still be high. He wasn't going to take advantage.

"It's okay, Padfoot, you're going to live, I promise," Remus said, letting a high Sirius snuggle into him.

"Okay, as long as you don't forget. Stroke my hair?" he mumbled, and Remus' fingers started trailing through his soft hair.

"Do you know who I love?" Sirius said, with a yawn.

Remus felt his heart skip a beat. "Who?" he whispered, praying to hear his own name.

"Henry."

"Henry... the Pine Cone?"

"Hedgehog," Sirius corrected him, before falling asleep.

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

"How are you feeling, Sirius," Remus asked.

"I feel... tired. Drained. What happened?"

"Before or after you transformed into a Werewolf?" Remus asked.

"What?" Sirius asked, his eyes widening as it slowly came back to him, and he fell back onto the bed, his hands covering his face.

"No, no no," he muttered.

"I'm just glad you know what I go through every month," Remus said, holding back a smile.

Sirius just kept mumbling the same word over and over.

"So you don't want to return to the sky anymore?"

"Fuck off, Remus," came a pitiful voice. "Can't you see I'm suffering?"

"Then came your love declaration," Remus said, and Sirius quickly sat up and stared at him.

"My what?" He asked, weakly.

"You said that you were in love with Henry. Henry is a Hedgehog that is really a pine cone. Won't make for a very good relationship."

Sirius sighed in relief, at least he didn't tell Remus he was in love with him.

"I think my favourite part, was when you thought you were a Disney Princess, demanding kisses to stop you dying."

Sirius let out a groan and fell back on the bed.

* * *

"Okay, in the movies, the man always realises he's fallen in love after a dramatic makeover," Lily offered.

"What? You think that's why he doesn't fancy me, because I'm too attractive?"

"I never said that," Lily sighed.

"Because I'm fucking sexy."

"Never said anything."

"And my hair is amazing, and soft. Really soft. Touch it."

"Wow, that is actually, what shampoo do you use?" Lily asked, running her hands through Sirius' hair. "Actually, just get him to touch your hair, he won't be able to stop."

"We'll save that for after the makeover. What does Remus like?"

"Well, you're not supposed to polyjuice or change your actual features, as muggles don't do that. You just change your style and your hairstyle. So you're all band t-shirts that piss off your mother, just choose something else."

"I could wear... shirts and sweaters, try to look smart, maybe tie my hair back?" Sirius tried.

Lily smiled, "perfect."

* * *

The next morning Remus woke up, and looked about for his clothes.

"Hey, Remus," Sirius said, and he spun around, to find Sirius leaning in the doorway in the clothes he was planning on wearing.

Remus sighed.

"So, what do you think?" Sirius asked, hopefully.

"I think you're wearing the clothes I wanted to wear today," Remus said. "Can I have them back now?"

Sirius stared at him for a minute, before sighing. "Okay," he mumbled stripping down to his boxers, and dropping the clothes onto the bed before leaving the room.

"Sirius, go and get dressed, you can't walk around like that," Dorea said, exasperatedly.

"Oh sorry Mrs Potter," Sirius said, rushing into his own room.

Remus stared at the door for a long time, trying to secure the image of Sirius stripping into his head. He stood up, walked to the door and closed it. He needed some alone time after that.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

"How could that not have worked? I think you're just doing this all wrong," Lily fumed.

"I'm doing everything you've told me too. You know what I think? I think you're trying to ruin this for me, so you can have Remus all to yourself," Sirius replied, angrily.

"You think that's it? If I wanted Remus, I would have made a move a long time ago, and I wouldn't have had to do stupid things, either. I would have just told him about my feelings."

"Aha, feelings - there, you admitted it."

"No, that would be if I had feelings, I would have told him. I don't have feelings for Remus, now do you want me to keep helping you, or do you want to stalk him from afar for the rest of your life, never getting him, and dying alone?"

"Whichever option gets me Remus."

"Well, he's gone home now, right? Why not go to his, and throw gravel at his window, and kidnap him. Wait, don't throw the gravel too hard, you want to wake him, not break the window, and no actual kidnapping, instead you convince him to come out with you somewhere. If that fails, climb in his bedroom window."

* * *

"Sirius? What the... it's like 1am, what are you doing?"

"I thought I'd come see you, I couldn't sleep and wanted to be around you."

There was a long silence.

"I... this was stupid, I'll go home."

"No, wait, don't go... Sirius, I'll be right down," Remus said quickly, his window shutting.

Ten minutes later, a sleepy Remus emerged from the house, locking the door behind him.

"Now, is there anywhere we can get food that's open all night?"

Remus nodded, and they walked up the street in silence.

After arriving in town, and finding everything closed, Sirius found a hidden spot, and grabbed Remus tightly, and Apparated them into Central London.

They walked around, finding a café open, and ordered food.

"So, what brought you here?" Remus asked.

"I just..." Sirius found himself at a loss.

"I guess I just wanted to hang out, he admitted. "I like it when it's just us. Don't get me wrong, James is like a brother to me, and Pete's decent and all, but sometimes its nice when it's you and me."

Remus smiled warmly at him. "I agree," he replied, his voice barely a whisper.

As the night came to an end, Sirius panicked slightly. He had got the idea from Lily, but Lily didn't explain when to make his move. They had arrived back at the Lupin's house, and were laying on the grass in the garden.

It was nice, just laying next to Remus. He wanted to be able to do that every night, instead of being in a separate bed, feeling like there were miles between them.

"Remus," he began. "I'm glad..."

"Glad for what?"

"Glad that you attended Hogwarts, glad that you were part of the best house..."

"Glad that we became friends, you mean?" Remus asked, uncertainly.

Sirius let out a breath. There was that word that he was growing to hate.

 _"Friends,"_ he whispered. "Yeah, that's what I was... I think you should head inside now, you look exhausted."

Remus sat up, feeling very confused. Sirius was basically trying to talk about their friendship, so why was he acting like he was Padfoot and Remus had just kicked him?

"I had fun," Remus said, hugging Sirius. He felt like a hug might make Sirius less... upset? disappointed? He wasn't quite sure of Sirius' emotion, he was only aware of the arms that slowly wrapped him up, making his whole body feel warm.

As he pulled away from the hug, his lips brushed Sirius' cheek slightly, before he pulled back, realising what he had done.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me, I don't know! Goodnight, Sirius," Remus said, in a panic, rushing inside.

Sirius stood there for a minute, trying to understand what just happened.

Did Remus really just kiss him on the cheek?

He watched Remus' light flicker on for a moment, and then the boy appeared at the window. Sirius gave a shy wave, which Remus returned, before disappearing. The light went out again, and Sirius started towards the end of the garden, as there was a small spot that wasn't warded, allowing for Apparition. He felt a pair of amber eyes on him as he went to that spot, and Apparated back to the Potters, with a smile on his face.

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

"He kissed my cheek," Sirius declared.

"He did?" That's great. So I got you both together, you need to get me that cloak -"

"Oh, you're not getting out of this so easily, we're not together, he caressed my cheek with his lips," Sirius said, a dopey smile on his face, ignoring Lily rolling her eyes.

"and got all cute and... flustery," Sirius added.

"Flustery isn't a word," Lily informed him.

"Well, that's what he was. Flustery! Then he ran back inside. We're not together yet."

"Hmmm," Lily said, thinking about the situation. "I think you might need to serenade him. I think that's perfect."

"How?" Sirius asked.

"Well, you can go all out and sing to him, or just play a song, and watch him and sing along.

"No, not yet. Should we go back to the sneaking through his window thing?"

Lily nodded. "It's your call."

* * *

Remus opened the bedside drawer, and pulled out the packet of charms he bought in the shop earlier that day. He had gone to Diagon Alley alone, knowing that if he bought these with James and Sirius, they would most likely laugh at him.

He didn't want Sirius to laugh at him, and he couldn't explain to him of all people why he wanted the charms. Sirius would see right through any excuses and lies he could come up with. It was easier that he didn't know.

He opened the charms, and quickly read the packet. The charms would allow him to feel as though his dream was real, instead of something he could barely remember when he woke up. He always remembered who he dreamt of, and snippets of the dream, but he found that the dreams slipped away too quickly. The charm would allow him to be part of them, to have more control over his own actions and to remember it as though it had actually happened. They weren't cheap, but he couldn't stand it anymore. Usually, the dreams left him frustrated, but hopefully this one wouldn't.

He'd heard that the charms allowed you to feel like you were really there in the dream.

In his dreams he was never scared of rejection, and he never felt self conscious about himself. In his dreams, Sirius wanted him, and Sirius didn't care about his scars or his body. Having that feeling again was worth the price of the charms.

He ate the charm quickly, and climbed into bed in his boxers. Laying back and closing his eyes, he waited for sleep to overtake him. The charm would give him half an hour in the dream, once he fell asleep.

He found himself struggling to go asleep, and he tried to relax enough. Suddenly, the window slid open, and Remus turned his eyes to it. His dream was starting, but was used to Sirius coming through the door.

* * *

Sirius was glad that the wards around the Lupin's house accepted him, as he unlocked Remus' window. He considered flying up, but the movies, (according to Lily), showed that he was supposed to climb up a tree, or drain pipe. If he used magic to help him, and magic to aid the slightly too far jump, it didn't matter. He climbed a tree, like a muggle.

He opened the window and climbed through carefully. He looked towards the bed, and saw amber eyes watching him intently. He watched the werewolf smirk.

He didn't realise that things were about to get interesting.


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

"You usually come through the door," Remus stated, and Sirius raised his eyebrows. He'd only been in Remus' room a handful of times, but Remus was right. He'd never climbed through the window before.

He opened his mouth to speak, but Remus threw his covers aside.

"Are you coming over here or not," Remus complained. "We don't have a lot of time."

"Right," Sirius replied, not entirely certain what Remus meant about the time. Maybe Remus was offering for him to lay next to him like they did at school sometimes? Or perhaps he was thinking about the time of night it was, or something? He walked over, his eyes eagerly taking in Remus' body. His friend was only in boxers. Usually Remus kept himself covered up and Sirius never got to see that much skin. Well, except on a full-moon but he never took advantage of those circumstances to look at Remus' body.

Sirius couldn't stop staring. "Remus, I -"

"Shhh, Sirius," Remus whispered, watching this dream Sirius hovering in the middle of the room. Was it wrong, what he wanted to do to this copy of his gorgeous friend?

"You could start by stripping for me?" Remus murmured, after a moment of thought. He would deal with the guilt of asking this of a dream Sirius in the morning when he woke up. Right now, his need for Sirius overpowered everything else. At least this version of Sirius wouldn't reject him.

Sirius stared at him for a moment, and the werewolf stared straight back, his amber tinted eyes fixed unblinking on Sirius, and finally Sirius shrugged off his leather jacket, letting it drop to the floor. Remus' lips curved slightly, as Sirius started to slowly pull his t-shirt off. He was giving Remus a chance to laugh as though it was a joke, or tell him to stop. He didn't want to appear too eager to strip for Remus. Inside, he was elated. There was no mistaking intent here.

As the t-shirt dropped to the floor, he brought his eyes to Remus again, and his mouth went dry as he watched Remus' hand slide into his boxers. There was no mistaking that intent either. Remus' other hand was behind his head, and his eyes were slowly dragging across Sirius' naked chest. The sight of Remus like that was the biggest turn on, ever.

Sirius pinched himself. Yup. Really happening.

"Why are you stopping?" Remus complained, and Sirius snapped back to what was happening. He kicked off his shoes, and pulled off his socks, and pinched himself again to be on the safe side.

"I want you," Remus insisted. "Keep stripping, I want to see all of you."

Sirius continued stripping, as he watched Remus pull his own boxers off, touching himself once more. Sirius felt light-headed for a second as he thought about the many ways that night could go, the many things he wanted to do to the Werewolf, and have Remus do to him. He wanted to touch Remus so badly.

He removed his own boxers, and couldn't resist touching himself, as he watched Remus. Remus' eyes moving fast, examining every inch of Sirius' body, and he let out a slight moan, as he watched Sirius start to copy his actions.

"Come here," Remus demanded, trying to sound as though he had some control over this situation. It was his dream so he was in charge, he told himself. He liked how this Sirius responded to everything he had asked. This was going better than expected.

Sirius came and sat next to him, and Remus pulled Sirius close, crashing their lips together harder than Sirius expected. He had wanted to kiss Remus softly, smoothly. He had thought the first time with Remus would be all soft caresses and gentle touching, but Remus seemed to see it happening a bit differently. Remus' lips were needy and desperate. Sirius could work with this - he felt that need and desperation for Remus too, so he gave back, gasping as long fingers wrapped around his length, stroking it. He reached for Remus, eager to touch him in return.

Suddenly Remus moved away, and met Sirius' eyes again, he was stroking Sirius still, and enjoying the feeling of Sirius touching him. He had to keep reminding himself that the tablets only worked for about an hour.

"You are fucking hot," he whispered, and Sirius grinned. Remus never usually swore. The night was nothing like he had thought, he had hoped to get a snog, but Remus seemed to be... like a sex-crazed werewolf. Sirius quickly counted back to the full moon. Only two and a half weeks before, so it wasn't anything to do with that. Maybe the kiss earlier was a test - and Remus had worked out Sirius' feelings?

Sirius would never have taken it this far this quick with Remus, not that he wouldn't want to, because he most defiantly did... but he thought Remus would be shy and nervous. He knew Remus had had sex before, but he didn't see Remus as the type to just shag so quickly. He thought he'd have to make do with kissing for a few weeks, maybe a month, before he could start moving it slightly further, but Remus made it clear that he wanted him. Remus asked him to strip, Remus was the one wanking over him, and Remus was clearly calling the shots, and Sirius could tell by the look in his eyes that he wanted much more. He was happy to match whatever pace Remus set.

"What do you want me to do now?" Sirius asked.

"I want..." Remus began, and bit his lip. He hadn't thought the charms would be that good, and hadn't really thought about what he actually wanted. Could he really ask for more than Sirius stripping for him, getting to see the dark-haired sex-God that featured in many of his fantasies, naked, and kissing him, and feeling Sirius' hand wrapped around him?

Remus knew the right thing to do would be to stop, and not take advantage of this dream. He made his mind up, he was going to stop this from going any further. He should just let them continue touching each other, and nothing more. No matter how badly he wanted it.

"What do you want, Remus? You know I'd do anything for you. Anything you ask of me," Sirius said, his grey eyes meeting Remus' amber.

* * *


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut is marked, so if you want to skip it, you can.
> 
> It's pretty badly written. I am not so good with this... I'm just shocked that I though

* * *

***Smut begins here***

* * *

"Anything?" Remus whispered, and he watched the man of his dreams nod his head, a slight smirk on his face, his silver eyes full of lust.

Remus forgot that he was going to stop what was happening, as Sirius continued to touch him. Sirius' fingers and words making him struggle to regain his mind. He gave up trying to talk himself out of it.

"I want..." he began, his voice soft, but he lost his words for a second. He was slightly more nervous now he knew that things were going further. "I want you to... suck me." Remus tried hard to sound confident, but he knew the redness covering his cheeks would give him away.

Never in any of his fantasies, had he ever thought about asking this of Sirius, but somehow today - the charm he took - it made him feel brave. He had never asked for one in his life, yes, he'd accept them when offered, but he never would have _dared_ ask. He wasn't even asking Sirius. He was telling him that's what he wanted.

Remus shifted to the edge of the bed, as Sirius grabbed a pillow, and knelt on the floor, between Remus' legs.

"You... want me to suck your cock?" Sirius asked, not believing the words he had just heard. He gently rested his hands on Remus' thighs, tracing patterns on them. His fingers moving close, to tease Remus, whilst he waited for an answer. He had tried to keep his voice smooth, but he could hear it shake slightly. He loved hearing Remus ask for these things, demand them even. 

There was a long silence... well, it seemed long. Sirius knew it had only really been a few seconds, but his eyes met the soft amber eyes above him and he couldn't look away. He memorised the way Remus was looking at him, his gaze full of heat. The look told Sirius everything. It told him that Remus needed Sirius, craved him, and Sirius knew that his eyes held the same expressions.

His lips curved into a smile, his fingers, which had trailed over Remus' thighs moved closer, and he shifted his body, so his face was inches from the hard length presented to him. He moved his eyes over Remus' body, examining every scar, every inch of bare skin, it was more perfect than he imagined. He wanted to trace each scar with his lips, or with his tongue. He wanted to spend the night just memorising every inch of Remus' body, but he knew tonight wouldn't be that night. Remus seemed to have his own set of plans. But next time would be his. He hopefully had his whole life to do that.

_Whatever Remus wanted._

Remus took one look at Sirius kneeling on the floor, between his legs, his mouth dangerously close to his cock, and couldn't hold back the one word desperate to leave his lips.

"Yes," he whispered.

That was all that Sirius had been waiting for. The tip of his tongue eagerly darted out, tasting Remus, as his fingers dug into Remus' hard thighs. He allowed his tongue to slowly drag across the tip, making sure his eyes stayed locked with the amazing amber ones of the Werewolf, and he listened as his name was whispered from Remus' lips. He loved hearing Remus say his name, and hoped to hear it more. Slowly, Sirius ran his tongue down the underside of Remus' hard length, teasing him.

Remus fell back on the bed, propping himself up with his arms, so he could watch Sirius. How was it that a dream could feel better than anyone who had done this to him in real life? Maybe because, even though it wasn't real, it was still with the one person who could have this affect on him above everyone else.

He groaned as Sirius' lips slowly engulfed him, teasing him. He felt Sirius' other hand wrap around him, gently stroking him.

He wasn't sure at what point his hands had grabbed fistfuls of Sirius' hair, and his hips started bucking slightly. He made to let go, but Sirius' hand moved, grabbing his and pushing it back to his hair. Sirius' hands moved to Remus' hips, steadying them as he continued, letting his tongue cause Remus to gasp and curse.

Sirius' eyes flickered up to his again.

He watched Sirius' head move, and lost himself in the wet heat that was Sirius' mouth. He could feel the pressure on the underside of his cock. He felt the pleasure quickly build up inside him, and gripped the soft black hair harder. That just seemed to spur Sirius on.

Sirius started moving faster, the way Remus was gripping his hair, tugging on it, was driving him insane. He always wondered if Remus would be the sort to just lay back, or the sort to watch everything, and now he was finding out. He could see Remus trying to stay in control.

Sirius hummed softly around him. He wanted to watch Remus Lupin lose control. Something that never happened before. His eyes were fixed on Remus', as Remus moaned Sirius' name, and his head fell back.

"I'm going to..." Remus whispered.

Sirius sucked, and that was all it took to push him over the edge. He released his load into Sirius' mouth, and watched Sirius take every drop.

Remus took a moment to catch his breath, his eyes closed.

"Do you know how often I've thought about you being on your knees in front of me," he mumbled, softly, and Sirius got the impression Remus was talking to himself, and not Sirius.

"What now?" Sirius whispered, from his spot on the floor. His hands moved from Remus' hips, where there were red marks, where he had grabbed them. If this stopped now, Sirius would be happy because no-one could top that blowjob. He'd be happy to cuddle and talk... he'd also be happy to get on the bed and get fucked. 

Remus hesitated for a second, as he looked at Sirius. The dark-haired man was dishevelled. Something Remus had only ever seen after Quidditch, where the wind caught his hair. His hair was caught up, where Remus had grabbed at it, and Sirius was slightly breathless. He was also looking at Remus with desire, a way the real Sirius would never look at him.

"I'm going to fuck you, Sirius," Remus said, getting off the bed, and offering Sirius a hand up from the floor.

Sirius slowly got up, and Remus' lips pressed against his, softly. His arms wrapped around Remus, and Sirius pulled him closer, his lips moving against Remus' gently. It was perfect. The heat where their bodies were touching could not be imagined.

Remus pulled away quicker than Sirius would have liked, but he said nothing, desperate to please Remus, hoping that if he played this right, Remus would want to stay with him.

"Get on the bed," Remus ordered. "Please, now."

Sirius moved closer to the bed, his hand sliding over the warm covers, where Remus had been sitting.

"On you back," Remus whispered, and as Sirius went to lay down, Remus changed his mind. "No, on your knees, hands on the headboard," he decided, his voice soft, and alluring. He watched Sirius' head turn to look at him, his eyebrows raise in shock, and he met the gaze. Their eyes locked for a moment, before Sirius smirked and nodded, and crawled onto the bed, his hands running over the headboard, before gripping it gently, waiting for Remus to join him.

Remus looked at Sirius, his hands on the headboard, and he turned to the drawer next to his bed. He hunted through, pulling out a box of tissues, and some lube.

"Funny how I can still use this stuff," Remus murmured in surprise. He hadn't expected the items in his room to be the same in a dream. He wondered why he didn't dream up a different location. He took the lube from the drawer to find Sirius in the position he was ordered into.

He shivered, as his gaze ran along Sirius' back, and his exposed arse.

"Silencing charms, don't want your parents to hear," Sirius whispered, feeling Remus' gaze on him. He stayed in position, almost shaking with desire for Remus to do as promised.

Remus considered it. How much noise could he really be making in his sleep? Would all the noises he made in the dream be made by his sleeping body too? He didn't want to risk it. He cast the spell, before replacing his wand on the table.

"Do you want me to fuck you, Sirius?" He asked, feeling brave. This was a dream. This Sirius wouldn't laugh at him, or turn him down, and there was something... amazing about watching the wild and usually dominant Sirius Black on his knees, waiting for Remus to fuck him.

Not make love, like he would like with the real Sirius. This wasn't real. But he still needed to ask - to hear that Sirius /wanted/ this.

"Yes," Sirius said, listening to the cap on the lube being flipped open, and listening to the sound of some being squeezed out. He tried to control his breathing as the bed dipped, as Remus knelt behind him.

"Say it," Remus whispered, and Sirius wondered how he managed to sound so demanding in a whisper.

"Please Remus, I want you... to fuck me," Sirius insisted.

"I don't believe you," Remus murmured, his lubricated finger teasing Sirius' entrance.

"Gods, Remus, don't tease. I need you to fuck me," Sirius said, in a more demanding voice.

"That's better," Remus said, allowing his fingers to finally start stretching and preparing a panting, begging Sirius. Sirius had always thought Remus would be talented with his hands, but the way his fingers moved inside Sirius drove him crazy with want. His fingers dug into the headboard and as the minutes passed, he silently cursed Remus for teasing him, for not finally doing it.

"Tell me again," Remus demanded, when he finally removed his fingers from a quivering Sirius, and instead let his hard length tease against Sirius' hole, the tip gently pressing in, but Remus needed to hear the words again. There was something about Sirius Black begging to be fucked that made it hard for him to breathe. He wondered if the real Sirius begged like this? He wondered if the real Sirius would make Remus beg? The sudden image of himself on Sirius' bed, begging to be fucked flashed before his eyes and he knew he'd be using another charm for just that tomorrow night.

"Just fuck me, I need you, please," Sirius begged. He knew Remus wanted him to beg, and before that night, he would never have thought of begging for anything, but he had never been so turned on in his life. He was desperate. Next time, he'd fuck Remus. He hoped there would be a next time. Surely there would be, Remus wouldn't have sex with him on an impulse.

Remus paused in thought. It was a dream, just fucking him hard wouldn't hurt him... but even a dream Sirius was still Sirius. He couldn't hurt any version of him, even if this version wasn't real. He slowly edged in, listening to the groans coming from the man on the bed, and started thrusting, his fingers digging hard into Sirius' hips. If this was real, it would be hard enough to leave bruises, he realised, but Sirius didn't say anything.

He struggled to hold himself back, part of him wanted to pound hard into Sirius, but the other part of him, wanted to do this slowly, drag it out. Sirius looked back at him and caught his expression.

"I can handle it, you know, if you lose control."

Remus reminded himself that it was a dream. He relaxed himself, allowing the wolf a bit of control, and Sirius' fists clenched the headboard, as Remus began to thrust into him harder. He watched Sirius struggle to keep a grip, and realised what he was missing.

The chance to see Sirius come undone. He pulled out, causing a dog-like whine to emit from Sirius as he friend turned to glare at him. He ordered Sirius to roll over.

Sirius slowly changed positions, laying on his back, and stretching his legs out, where they were starting to hurt. Remus watched him for a moment, and Sirius' long fingers wrapped around his length again, and he began stroking himself. Remus shifted closer, moving in between Sirius' legs, and lined himself back up, before slowly sliding in, watching Sirius' expression as he was filled.

He had told himself not to do this position. It was too intimate. He kept reminding himself that it wasn't really Sirius in his bed. It was just a dream. It was a charm, giving him part of what he wanted. A dream that he'd be waking up from at some point soon. But he couldn't resist. This could be the only dream he had about Sirius, so he wanted to allow himself to see what Sirius would look like when Remus made him come completely undone. He wanted to hear Sirius cry his name.

Or pant it, or moan it, or growl it. He wasn't fussy, as long as it was _his_ name on Sirius' lips.

He started thrusting slower than he had been in the other position, and pushed Sirius' hand away from his cock. He took it in his own palm, running his hand up the smooth skin, causing Sirius' hips to buck at the touch. He could feel himself getting closer, and was determined to watch Sirius finish first. He was desperate to see the expression on Sirius' face as he lost control, and Sirius' hands gripped Remus' arse, trying to make him move faster.

He struggled to catch his breath, and was overly hot in that room. The window was open, letting a cool breeze brush over his skin, yet it did nothing to cool him down.

Remus realised that his time could be up any second - he had lost track at this point, but the instructions advised in waiting at least twelve hours for the next - and completely gave in to the wolf, which caused him to thrust harder, making Sirius writhe on the bed under him, begging him, moaning his name. He would never let himself forget this dream.

"I'm going to..." Sirius groaned, and Remus grinned, his teeth nipping at Sirius' shoulder, hard, marking him. Sirius bit his lip hard, drawing blood, as he came, finishing on his own stomach. It was only then that Remus allowed himself his own release.

"I love you, Remus," the dream said, and Remus froze.

He realised at that moment that he couldn't take the tablets again. He could deal with the guilt of everything he had done, wishing it was with Sirius... but to hear him utter those words - words he would do anything to hear from the real Sirius... it was too much. It hurt too much. He couldn't say it back, because this wasn't Sirius, no matter how badly he wished it was.

He had gone too far in his dream, to the point where the dream Sirius was confessing his love, and that hurt Remus more than anything because that could _never_ happen. 

He stared as the dream Sirius for a moment, imprinting the image in his mind, before he got up off the bed, getting some tissues, and carefully wiping Sirius' stomach.

* * *

***** End of Smut*****

* * *

Sirius had always imagined that they would curl up afterwards in each others arms, and fall asleep together, waking up hours later to continue with what they had been doing, but Remus seemed to not want that. He slowly got off the bed, as Remus quickly cleaned himself with his wand, and pulled on his boxers again.

Sirius started gathering up his clothes, and got dressed. Remus hadn't even looked at him. He thought this had felt amazing. He was sure he felt a connection. Remus looked like he regretted it and now Sirius was starting to regret it too, because if Remus regretted it, it meant Remus didn't want this.

But Remus wouldn't just _use_ him for a shag?

As he put his clothes on, he thought back over everything. Remus hadn't given a single indication that it was anything more than sex. There had been no promises of a relationship, no words of adoration or love (well, except Sirius' love-confession).

That must have been it. Sirius had fucked up by saying he was in love. It was too much for Remus, but he had at least expected Remus to _talk_ about it. He looked around for his jacket, his gaze falling on Remus, but Remus barely looked at him.

"You shouldn't be here anymore," Remus muttered somewhat absently and Sirius felt his heart break at the words. Remus sounded confused and disappointed and Sirius wasn't going to fucking _beg_ Remus to talk. He'd done enough begging that night.

He never expected Remus to become one of the people to hurt him. Remus had always been one of the very few he'd trust with everything. But Remus was the same as everyone else.

Sirius had put it all on the line, and he felt more broken than anything. Was this a final bout of revenge from when he let Snape into the tunnel below the Willow? Did Remus care so little for him?

Sirius turned to the window, quickly climbing out. He didn't have his jacket but he didn't want to be there anymore. He wanted to get away so he could hit something, break something, just _break_. He wasn't going to let Remus see how much pain this had caused him - not that Remus cared - clearly he didn't.

He caught Remus' gaze as he left, and walked up the garden, into the shadows. He still risked another glance, hoping that Remus would call him back. Say that him leaving was the mistake.

Remus moved away from the window and Sirius waited. He watched the back door, but after a couple of minutes had passed, he apparated away. 

Remus wasn't coming.

* * *

Remus stared at the window as Sirius slipped out. That would mean the end of the dream, right? That the charm was wearing off? Would he just sleep until morning now, or would he wake up the moment the dream had finished?

He'd give the charms to someone else because he couldn't do this again. He hated the charms and hated himself, and hated that the dream Sirius looked just as hurt as the real Sirius would have.

He walked over to the bed and tried not to recall what had just happened there. Well, what he dreamt had happened there.

He laid down and tried to push the guilt away.

It was only a dream. No reason to feel guilty.

Just a dream.

The guilt remained.

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

* * *

"Lily, something went wrong. I don't know what to do," Sirius said, as the door opened and a woman looked out, a red-haired girl standing behind her, rubbing her eyes.

"It's 1am, come inside," Lily said, with a yawn.

"Lily, who is this? Is this the boy you keep talking about... James Potter? He's just as handsome as you mentioned." The woman glanced back at Lily. "Perhaps tomorrow would be better for him to stop back?"

"No mum," Lily said, blushing. "This is his best friend, Sirius... and he's my friend too. He has a crisis, otherwise he wouldn't have turned up here."

"I'm so sorry, Mrs Evans, I just really needed Lily's advice, it can't wait, it's an emergency, and I didn't know what else to do," Sirius said hoarsely, and Lily's mother nodded, and allowed him into the house.

"What happened?" Lily asked, leading him into the kitchen, and turning on the kettle. She turned around, waiting for an answer, and noticed her mum was hovering in the doorway.

"Mum don't worry, I'm not going to do anything with Sirius."

"I'm gay," Sirius offered helpfully.

Her mother nodded and disappeared from view.

Sirius glanced at the spot where Mrs Evans had been standing for a minute, before answering.

"I climbed through his window, and... and we had sex."

Lily almost dropped the kettle. "Sirius, I can't believe you, how could you do that to poor Rem -"

"Poor Remus? You mean the same Remus that demanded I strip seconds after I got into his room, before I said more than his name, asked me for a blowjob and then told me he wants to fuck me, which he done, before kicking me out again?"

He was met with a long silence.

"No... Remus wouldn't..." Lily eventually said.

"Do I look like I'm joking with you? Do I honestly look like I'm making this up?" Sirius asked, and Lily was shocked to see that his eyes were red. Either he was extremely tired, or he had been crying. "I just came from there, and as you pointed out it's 1am! I told him at the end of it that I love him, and he didn't say it back. He barely looked at me, and then made it clear he expected me to leave, which I did."

"Okay, without the actual sex parts, can you tell me what happened?" Lily asked, In a soft voice.

Sirius quickly told her everything that happened., and Lily could see that it was hurting him more and more as he recounted the tale.

He felt the tears fall down his cheeks, and Lily handed him a tissue. Lily was shocked, she couldn't believe that Remus would do that, but she could see without a doubt that Sirius was telling the truth. There was no mistaking it any part of the story. Remus just had sex with Sirius and wanted him to leave.

He showed her the his shoulder, where Remus had bitten him.

"Clearly it meant nothing to him," Sirius whispered. "I didn't think one of my closest friends would do this to me. I'm in love with him, and he shags me and kicks me out. Am I that unlovable?"

"Wait, I'll help fix this," Lily said, taking his hand, but he pulled it away.

"I just came to tell you that I don't need any more help with this. I can't do this anymore. I love him Lily, but I clearly meant nothing to him. I'll still get you James' cloak, just let me know when, but I'm done with Remus."

He drank the rest of his tea in silence, and stood up.

"Also, I left my leather jacket there, in the grand scale of things, this isn't very important, but I can't trust him to care about my jacket. Would you be able to get it from him at some point for me?"

"I'll get it for you," Lily promised. "I don't understand what came over Remus," she said, shaking her head.

Sirius sighed. "Either do I, Lily. I mean, him, James and Peter are my best friends, and I just had to fall in love with him and that was probably the most stupid thing I've done."

"It's Remus that's stupid if he can't see how you feel about him," Lily said, softly.

"I just thought out of all the people who have fucked me over, abandoned me, hurt me, messed me up... that Remus was someone who would never ever hurt me. I was wrong," he whispered, and Lily wrapped her arms around him, tightly.

Lily felt her heart break for Sirius at those words. She wanted to somehow make it better, because it wasn't often she saw past the cocky exterior, and saw the scared vulnerable boy inside.

"I'm sorry that I came here at such a stupid time, I just needed someone to talk to, and I couldn't go home and tell James what just happened," Sirius said, softly. "I don't want to put that burden on James."

"It's okay, we're friends now, and Remus is out of order. You are loveable, Sirius, any gay men would jump at the chance of being with you, you're one of the best looking guys in school, and you're funny, and towards the people who are worthy of your time, you are amazing and loyal."

"One of the best looking? The other wouldn't happen to be James, would it?"

Lily let out a laugh. "Of course not," she replied, her face giving her away.

"Well, James isn't the prat he once was... just give him a chance. He tries to hard to impress you. Don't worry, I won't tell him that you talk about him to your mum."

"And I won't hex your hair off, and make it grow back Slytherin green."

Sirius grinned. "I could still look this good, no matter what colour my hair was," he said, feeling better now he had got it all of his chest.

"I'll see you soon, come over anytime, but maybe send an owl first?"

Sirius grinned, and nodded.

"Thanks red."

* * *

"Remus, there's a girl at the door," Hope shouted, and Remus rubbed his eyes.

"Who is it?" he shouted, and he listened as his mother shouted Lily's name.

"I'll send her up," she added, and Remus saw the door open, and Lily walked in.

Remus yawned loudly. "Everything alright? It's pretty early," he asked, and Lily walked over to him.

He hadn't expected the hand that hit his face, hard. His hand went to touch his sore cheek, and he looked at her in shock, as she stormed around the room, and picked up a black jacket off the floor.

He looked at it in confusion. "What's that?"

"Sirius' jacket. He would have come to get it himself, but after the way you treated him... I don't think he can even bare to look at you," she spat, angrily.

Remus was confused. Last time he had seen Sirius was when they went up London. He didn't recall Sirius giving Remus his jacket, in fact he remembered Sirius walking to the apparition point that night, wearing it. How was it in his room?

"I'm not entirely sure what you mean, Lily," he said, softly.

"Don't even use that tone on me, Remus Lupin, I've seen how you treat your friends," she stated, folding the jacket carefully over her arm.

Remus took a deep breath and froze. His room smelt like Sirius. Why did it smell of Sirius?

"Wait, Lily, I-"

"Remus, I really don't want to hear it," she said.

"I was just going to say that I'll return the jacket myself," he said.

"I don't think Sirius wants to see you after last night."

"Last night?" Remus asked, trying to understand. All that happened last night was his dream? Could Sirius have stopped by, maybe he had planned to get Remus to sneak out again, and heard him? Did he say Sirius' name in his sleep?

"I hope it was worth it, you've just flushed seven years of friendship away. You crushed him, how could you treat anyone like that, let alone Sirius.

Remus looked around the room, his gaze falling on the tissues, the lube on the bedside table, and he breathed in again. The room smelt like Sirius had been in it recently. He picked up the pillow that remained on the floor, where he had dreamt Sirius had knelt on.

He sniffed the pillow, and smelt Sirius, and promptly dropped the pillow.

"Was Sirius here last night?" Remus asked, his voice a soft whisper.

"You know full well he was," Lily stated, and Remus shook his head.

"Oh dear Gods," Remus said, his hands on his face. How could Sirius have been there? Maybe he turned up when Remus was having the dream and heard him say Sirius' name, and now Sirius hated him?

"He heard me, didn't he?"

Lily looked at him strangely for a moment. "You were cruel to him, he turned up at mine at 1am, after you made him leave."

"I didn't see Sirius last night," he insisted, faintly.

"Well, I don't know what to say, Remus. I saw him yesterday afternoon, and he said he was going to climb in your window, and then he turned up afterwards, told me you -"

"He climbed in my window?" Remus asked, his voice a whisper. "Oh shit, no, it wasn't him. It can't have been him."

"What? You have so many men climbing in your window, you get confused?" She snapped.

Remus hunted through the drawer, and took out the packet of charms, throwing them to her.

"I took one last night," he mumbled. "Sirius wasn't supposed to be real."

Lily read the packet, and her eyes moved to him.

"So you had sex with Sirius, and thought you were dreaming it?" She said, disbelievingly. "You expect me to believe that?"

"Well, I was told that these make it all seem real, so..." He trailed off, realising that anything he said would sound stupid.

Lily stared at him. "Remus, for someone so smart, you're an utter moron. You threw Sirius out last night."

"I didn't realise it was him," Remus muttered. "Oh shit, it was all real, but I... fuck, I marked him. Why did he let me do all that to him?"

Lily started laughing in shock. "Are you kidding? Sirius told you why."

"He said he'd do anything for me," Remus whispered, "Turn around."

Lily turned, and Remus jumped out of bed, pulling on his dressing gown.

"I'm going to take a quick shower, and then I'm going over there to see him, and explain. Can you get rid of James for me, I know the Potters are away."

"Just so you know, I'm doing this for Sirius, not for you," she replied. "You better fix this."

"I will, somehow. Just... leave the jacket."

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

* * *

Remus knocked on the door of the Potters, and James opened it. James' eyes narrowed at the sight of Remus.

"Now I don't know what you and Sirius argued about last night, but you need to fix it, because we all know Sirius is too stubborn to. Whatever it is, I've not seen Sirius like this since -"

"That's why I'm here," Remus interrupted. "Where is he?"

"Asleep - well, passed out. I woke up just before 6am, came to get a drink and he was at the table, drinking firewhisky. I think he was there all night. He was fine before he went out, saying he was going to hang out with you. I don't even know what time he came back."

"I'll wait until he wakes up, and fix it," Remus said. "Going somewhere?"

James' frown changed to a grin so fast, it made Remus dizzy. "Lily has finally fallen for my charm. She invited me to spend the day with her in Diagon Alley. Just the two of us. Just you wait and see, she'll be calling me James next," he said, dreamily.

"Stay out for the day, this might take a while to sort," Remus said, and James nodded. "I'll tell Lily that you're here, dealing with Sirius, so maybe she'll let me take her to dinner."

"You can hope," Remus laughed, and watched James head towards the garden, so he could Apparate to Lily's neighbourhood. Once he was gone, Remus headed upstairs, to Sirius' room, grabbing a hangover potion and a sober up potion on the way. Sirius didn't get much sleep, so there was a chance he could still be drunk.

Remus took in the sight of Sirius laying on the bed. As he moved closer, he could see the tear-stained cheeks, of the sleeping man, the frown that remained even when Sirius was asleep, and he hated himself. He done this to Sirius. He made Sirius cry, and Sirius never cried. Only when he ran away, did he cry.

He had treated Sirius so cruelly last night. Thinking he was a dream was no excuse _at all_. He should have been kind to any version of Sirius he encountered, responded better to Sirius' words. He should have had some self-control and some sense to see that it was more than a dream. He knew he had to fix this no matter what he had to do and how long it took, he would right this.

He kicked off his shoes and socks, and took off his jacket, and slowly climbed onto the bed. He shifted closer to Sirius, pulling the dark-haired man to lay on his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around Sirius, and held him. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, but he wanted to offer Sirius some comfort whilst he slept. This is how they should have fallen asleep last night... Well, like this, but naked, in each others arms.

He would never hurt Sirius again.

* * *

Sirius woke up with his head pounding and let out a groan. Quickly, arms moved away from him, and he was pulled into a sitting position, with a potion was pressed against his lips. He didn't even have a second to think, hedrank the potion. He opened his eyes, and was surprised when they met the amber of Remus'.

"I'm so sorry for how I treated you last night," Remus whispered. He could see the pain in Sirius' eyes, before Sirius pulled up his walls.

"Don't think it meant anything to me, Lupin, it was just sex," he said, looking bored. He shifted away from Remus, putting space between them on the bed. He shrugged his shoulders for good measure.

"It was, but it shouldn't have been. I have my reasons, but that's no exc-"

"Don't worry," Sirius interrupted, rudely. "I worked it out last night when I got back. It was because of Hogwarts, wasn't it? I fucked up, and you said you forgave me, but you were just bidding your time so you could fuck with me... or fuck me, right?" He chuckled darkly. "Well, you got your revenge."

"You think this is because of you telling Snape?" Remus asked, aghast. "Sirius, I swear to you I forgave you for that. Like I said, I have my reasons, but it's certainly not a good enough reason for how I treated you, it was unforgivable, yet, I want to somehow earn your forgiveness."

"Earn my forgiveness?" Sirius repeated, disbelievingly. He snorted derisively.

"I never should have acted like I did, and if I was in my right mind, that would have gone so very differently, I would have been more gentle, kinder, softer. I wouldn't have let you leave, I would have forced you stay. I'm more sorry than I can ever say. Please believe me, Sirius."

"But you didn't let me stay, you just fucked me and kicked me out," Sirius snarled, dropping all pretence that it didn't hurt him.

"I know, and I'm so sorry," Remus whispered. He looked into Sirius' eyes. He had always been able to read Sirius' emotions, where most others couldn't. He could see how much he hurt Sirius, and Sirius said he was in love with him.

What was wrong with him, how could he do that to Sirius? He had never hated himself more than in that moment.

"What will it take to earn your forgiveness?" Remus begged. "Anything, I'll prove I'm sorry."

Sirius stared at him a long time.

"Anything?" he asked, and Remus nodded.

"Strip."

"Strip?"

"Maybe some more sex," Sirius laughed, and Remus was certain that there were tears threatening to escape.

Remus stared at his hurting friend for a long moment. "If sex is a step towards fixing us, I consent," he murmured softly. He stood up and walked in front of where Sirius was laying and swiftly began to undress. His hands shook slightly because this time he /knew/ Sirius would see the scars, see his body. Last night he hadn't had to worry about this.

He left his tshirt and boxers until last. That was when he hesitated. He wanted this, he wanted _anything_ Sirius had to give. He just was reluctant to show his scars. But he pulled the tshirt off and looked up once more, meeting Sirius' gaze. "How do you want me?" he asked firmly, resisting the urge to cover himself.

Sirius stared at him for a long time, his gaze not even moving down Remus' body, but Remus remained still, waiting for Sirius to order him around - waiting for Sirius to do something, to ask something of him.

Finally Sirius sighed, his head dropping into his hands. "I don't want this. Not like this. I don't want to do this because I'm angry at you, I couldn't use you like that." And that's when Remus saw the tears falling down Sirius' cheeks.

Remus grabbed his tshirt and pulled it back on, covering the more hated scars. 

"Would you have let me?" Sirius asked, after a moment of silence.

"I would have done whatever you wanted to prove I'm sorry, and to earn your forgiveness," Remus admitted, his voice soft.

But you looked like you didn't really want this," Sirius murmured. "You said you do and you consent. I don't want you to consent when you don't want it."

"I always want to be with you," Remus told him. "It wasn't the sex that I was..." he sighed and gestured to his hip. "I don't want you to see..."

"But... but you were so bold last night," Sirius muttered, confused. "I thought you were over your insecurities."

"I wasn't in my right mind last night," Remus mumbled.

"I don't know what that means, so I think now is the time for an explanation," Sirius requested. "Just for the record, I was having second thoughts from the moment I said to strip. I wanted to hurt you, but I can't. I can't do that to you. I could never hurt you, or use you like that." The implications of his sentence were clear. "I said things last night, that I wish more than anything I could take back. I just can't understand how or why you would treat me like that. But hurting you won't make anything better. I won't stoop to that level." He swiped away the tears. "Even though I don't mean anything to you, you still matter to me."

* * *

Sirius couldn't believe the word had come out of his mouth. He had just told Remus to strip for him, and Remus was actually doing it. Sirius found he couldn't even form the words to stop Remus, as the cardigan was removed and then the jeans. Sirius thought it was strange the jeans being taken off before the t-shirt, he usually done it the other way around himself.

He watched Remus' hands shake as he took off his t-shirt, and the way Remus' gaze shifted, and he felt confused. Remus had just not cared the night before, he had shown Sirius everything without any self-loathing, but here it was again, and the look on his face was Sirius' fault. He looked so sure, but there was a flicker of doubt, uncertainty there.

Sirius realised exactly what he was doing. Was he really going to have sex with Remus with all this anger inside him? He would just be hurting Remus in return, and no matter what Remus had done, Sirius would never let anyone hurt him, and certainly didn't want to hurt him, himself. Even if Remus had actually said he consented, Sirius had doubts of how much he actually meant that consent.

He wanted _real_ consent for this. Not Remus doing it to make things better. He didn't like that at all.

Just because Remus had hurt him, it didn't give him any right to hurt Remus in return. Remus still mattered to him.

At least Remus was here now. That meant something... right?

* * *


	12. Chapter 12

* * *

Remus dumped his cardigan and jeans onto the end of the bed, and started searching through the pocket for the charms. He handed them to Sirius.

"Have you heard of these?" He asked, taking a seat on the end of the bed.

Sirius looked at the front. "Yeah, they're supposed to be a pretty big deal, they make you..."

He paused, and his eyes darted to Remus, and his eyebrows shot up. He noticed that Remus was blushing heavily.

"Don't tell me you took one of these last night?" He asked, understanding why Remus had been so bold. Well, not understanding as such, but now things made more sense. If it had been him, he'd have acted better than Remus, he was sure, because even a dream Remus would have been held after sex and looked after until the dream ended.

Remus nodded. "I swear to Merlin I thought it was that. That's why I said those things at the end, I thought... i thought that you should have disappeared by then. I honestly didn't realise it was you, if I had, I wouldn't have acted that way."

Sirius stared at the packet for a long time. It really did explain a lot. Remus had said that they didn't have a lot of time, the night before. It was starting to make a lot more sense.

"I kept telling myself not to take it any further, and I should have been able to control myself, but I couldn't. I saw it as my chance to be with you and I took advantage, and I felt guilty even though I thought you were a dream. It wasn't until Lily turned up this morning, slapped me and shouted at me, that I realised it actually happened. I forced you into -"

"You didn't force me into anything, you asked me to do those things, and I willingly done them. I wanted them, I consented," Sirius snapped in return. "I... well, I really enjoyed last night," he continued, his voice softer. "But it was just the end that hurt, when you wanted me to leave, and acted like you didn't give a crap. I just thought you were just using me. I couldn't work out any reason why you would do that, unless you were trying to get revenge."

Remus looked surprised by the softness of Sirius' tone. "Why didn't you say something last night, or hit me or something? I would have quickly realised that it wasn't a dream," Remus said. "Not that it's your fault for not doing so - it's all me."

"I think I was too hurt to think straight. I kept going over it in my head, trying to work out where I messed up. I was hoping that you'd call me back when I was walking to the Apparition point, but you didn't."

"I wanted - want to be with you too, more than anything, but I thought the only way that would ever happen would be with those charms, and when you climbed through my window, I took advantage of that. I'm so sorry. I'm willing to take Veritaserum to prove all this is true. If I can prove how sorry I am, maybe one day you'll give me another chance to be with you, and next time I won't fuck it up. I can't even tell you the amount of times I've dreamt about you, so I bought them, hoping that I could have a better dream about you, and I let myself get carried away."

"You dream about me?" Sirius whispered, patting the bed, and Remus sat down next to him, nervously. What did he really have to lose? He had possibly already lost Sirius, so there was no reason to hold this back anymore.

"Yeah, sometimes we're just hanging out together, or there's kissing, but the amount of times I've woken up and had to..." he blushed. "Not all the time though, sometimes, I'd just have you wrapped in my arms, or be wrapped in yours. It was amazing, but I craved to feel that for real, and when I found the charms..." he trailed off. "I thought it was a chance to... I thought it wouldn't hurt anyone if... but it did, I did."

There was a long period of silence. Remus stayed quiet, waiting for Sirius to speak, and Sirius was reviewing everything he learnt since he woke up, over in his mind.

"I dream about you too," Sirius eventually said. He was tired of being angry with Remus. Yes, Remus used him, but had Remus known the truth, he wouldn't have. Remus wasn't a bad person, and Sirius was still madly in love with him. Plus he had hurt Remus in the past, and Remus forgave him, knowing it was a mistake. Could he not give Remus the benefit of the doubt this time? It was worth it, to not lose Remus. They would have to go a long way to fix this.

"You do?" Remus sounded surprised.

Sirius nodded. "You said you'd do anything, right?"

Remus bit his lip. "Anything you ask," he confirmed.

"Can we lay together - like we should have done last night?"

Remus let out a small laugh. "Last night we would have been naked," he whispered, nervously.

"I just want to hold you, Remus. Please? I think I've already forgiven you for last night. The sex, I wanted that too and I liked how bossy you were, how amazing it was. The problem was just at the end, I just wanted to hold you, and I thought you had used me. I don't see any reason to stay angry with you, as long as you promise not to take these charms again, and never to use me again."

"I can agree to that," Remus promised.

"Also...you marked me," Sirius mentioned.

Remus nodded nervously. "I don't know how to undo that," he confessed. "I'm sure there are spells, I'll start researching that tomorrow, I -"

"I was going to say that if you want, we can leave that there, and see where this goes, between us."

"You want there to be an us - after what I done to you?" Remus whispered, feeling hope course through his body.

"I'm not saying straight away, I don't think, but like I told you last night, Remus, I love you, and that hasn't changed. By telling you I don't ever want to be with you, is me punishing myself, because I do. It's just that it hurts right now, but I think I understand. I think if it were me in a dream, I'd have seduced and had sex with my dream version of you too. But if the tables were reversed, I have a feeling that you'd forgive me pretty quickly, because that's just who you are. You would have understood, and that's what I want to do."

Remus nodded. "Do I get to keep my clothes on when we lay down?" he asked.

"I'll let you leave your boxers on," Sirius requested. "Your t-shirt too, if you're more comfortable like that. Just lay with me, please?"

Remus nodded, sliding down the bed into a laying position, and rolling on his side to face Sirius.

"Lay facing away from me," Sirius ordered, and Remus rolled over, nervously.

He felt an arm tug at his t-shirt, and allowed it to be pulled over his head, before the arm wrapped around him, and pulled him close.

"Go to sleep," Sirius said, cuddling into him, and Remus quickly turned around.

"Wait, aren't you going to-"

"I told you I wasn't, Remus. I just want to be able to hold you. I missed out on that last night, so we'll do it now instead."

Remus gave him a shy smile, before resting his head on the pillow. He had a feeling that he wouldn't be able to sleep, but he'd happily lay here for however long Sirius wanted, because Sirius was holding him and it was perfect.

"And we'll sit down and talk about this relationship soon," Sirius murmurs. "Because I think that we both could have regretted what could have happened and I don't want there to be any regrets, ever. Regret is a horrible feeling, and the... the feeling that it didn't matter... that's bad too. Everything should matter."

* * *


	13. Chapter 13

* * *

It was a few hours before Remus felt Sirius stir behind him. He snuggled backwards into Sirius' warm embrace, only to be greeted by something hard pressing against him.

He made to move away, but he felt arms pull him back.

"Are you not going to help me with this?" came a husky voice in his ear. "It's because of you that I have this." A hint of hesitation. "Or I could handle it in the bathroom myself and then get back into bed and cuddle some more?"

"Me?" Remus echoed, Sirius' voice causing his body to react.

"Yeah, I can't stop thinking about you naked, last night, touching yourself as I stripped for you."

Remus felt lips brush the back of his neck.

"I've never seen you naked before, but now I can see you every time I close my eyes."

"But the scars," Remus whispered, trying not to lose himself as the lips moved across his shoulder.

"Are part of you, and the thought of your body makes me hard. I really like what I saw last night," Sirius whispered.

"You don't mind them?"

"Let me show you how little I mind," Sirius begged, his lips ghosting over Remus' ear, making shivers run down his spine. "I always planned to take you on dates, and to take this slow, but I think we're past that last night... I want you, Remus, I'll take you on a date when you're not almost naked in my bed, but I warn you, you will be every night from now on."

A hand travelled down Remus' body, to his boxers, and slid inside, stroking his hip.

"Tell me to stop, and I will," Sirius whispered. "Or tell me to keep going. What do you want?"

"Why would I tell you to stop?" Remus asked him.

"Strip," Sirius requested, his voice barely more than a whisper, and Remus shyly pushed his boxers down. It didn't matter that he still had the covers over him, he was still self conscious of his body.

He heard Sirius pull his own off, and pull him close again, Sirius' hard length pressing up behind him, as Sirius' fingers trailed down his stomach, and over his thighs.

Sirius nibbled on his neck, and Remus shifted backwards into Sirius, grinding his arse against the hard length that was pressed against him.

"Oh fuck," Sirius murmured, thrusting gently against Remus' arse, as his teeth scraped Remus' neck. His hand moved away from Remus' inner thigh and he used it to pull Remus so he was laying flat. Sirius stayed on his side facing Remus, leaning down, letting his lips meet Remus'.

Sirius gently brushed his lips over Remus' soft ones, teasing him. He tried to do it again, as he felt Remus' hands reach for him, trying to pull him closer, and let Remus have his way. Their lips met and Sirius kissed him slowly, as he slowly shifted his body closer, his hand running up Remus' cheek and through his hair.

Remus tried to move, attempting to push Sirius down, but Sirius pulled away and grinned.

"I'm in charge today," he whispered, his hand stroking down Remus' chest. "If you don't mind."

Remus nodded.

"Consent?"

"I do, I... I consent," Remus stuttered.

Sirius moved across the bed, settling between Remus' legs, the cover gone, and the other boy laying there, his whole body revealed. The look of discomfort returned to Remus' face, and Sirius leaned down, his lips meeting Remus' shoulder, as he gently kissed the scar that lay there. Sirius let his lips trail slowly over it, before moving to the next one. As he felt Remus relax under him, his hand moved down to Remus large erection, and started stroking him as slowly as his lips continued to explore.

"So tell me about these dreams," Sirius asked, as he finished another scar, and before moving to one that took him down to Remus' hip. "Do you have them about a lot of guys?"

"Just you," Remus panted, "You're the only one I've had these dreams about."

"How often?" Sirius asked, leaning over and reaching for some lube in the drawer, before squeezing some out onto his fingers.

"A few times a week."

"Do you touch yourself when you wake up?" Sirius asked, his eyes darkening.

Remus nodded, shyly.

"Do you cry my name when you cum?" Sirius asked, as he caused Remus to let out a low moan, as his fingers danced over Remus' entrance.

"Yes, always your name."

He was rewarded with a finger sliding into him, and he let out a gasp.

"Do you ever dream about me like this? On top of you, getting ready to make love to you?"

Remus shivered in excitement at the words. "Yes," he whispered.

He watched Sirius' expression as Sirius stretched him silently. He felt another finger enter him.

"This is how I've always imagined you. I knew you'd lose control so easily for me," Sirius whispered. "I'm going to see this often, aren't I?"

Remus nodded.

"Except around the full moon," Remus stuttered. "I'm not able to..." he trailed off, when a third finger pressed inside.

"I don't bottom... usually," Sirius whispered. "But I'd do anything for you, Remus, like I told you last night. I quite like when you're bossy and telling me what to do."

Their lips met again awkwardly as Sirius' fingers moved inside of him. He could barely think, desperately wanting more. He needed more.

His fingers slid out, and Remus felt Sirius cock against him.

"You want me to do this?" Sirius asked, a smirk on his face.

"Yes," Remus replied, trying to push himself towards it, but Sirius wouldn't allow it.

"Do you really want it?"

"Yes, Please just fuck me," Remus groaned.

Wrong answer, which Remus learned when Sirius moved away.

"We're not fucking, Remus," Sirius said, seriously.

"Please make love to me, Sirius," Remus quickly corrected. "I need you."

Sirius smiled softly at him, and let his fingers caress over Remus' cheek, before sliding himself in. He watched the look of pleasure flit over Remus' face, before he started moving slowing inside him. He let his lips meet Remus', as he slowly took Remus.

One of his hands found Remus' hips, trying to stop the other boy pushing against him, as he kept his movements slow, watching Remus go crazy underneath him.

"Faster," Remus finally begged.

Sirius sped up, and brought his lips to Remus' neck again, enjoying the feel of Remus' fingers exploring his body, running over his hips, up his chest, and over his arms. His skin burning in each spot where Remus' long fingers touched him.

It wasn't long before Remus was gasping under him. He took Remus in hand, and brought his lips to Remus' again.

"Can I? Faster?" Sirius asked, and Remus nodded, and the second his head moved, Sirius was pounding into him.

He could feel himself so close, but wanted to do this with Remus. He maintained his control, and as he felt Remus' cock twitch, he bit down on Remus' shoulder, allowing the Werewolf to finish with a cry of his name.

That's what threw him over the edge himself, hearing his mate utter his name during his most uncontrolled moment.

He felt himself unable to hold back any longer, and with Remus' name on his lips, he let himself go whilst still buried deep inside Remus.

Sirius' arms gave way, and his body fell on Remus' for a moment. Remus didn't complain, instead he pushed the hair from Sirius' face, and kissed him deeply.

"I love you too," Remus whispered.

Sirius' face lit up. "Really?" He asked.

Remus nodded, as Sirius carefully moved off him, laying next to him.

"It felt like the perfect moment to tell you," he said, as both of their arms moved to hold each other.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> So, I have revived my Tumblr...


End file.
